The True Fatal Frame
by StormHornet
Summary: Fatal Frame parody. Himuro Mansion, a whorehouse? Okay... wait, what? And Miku, insane? Well, as if that wasn't obvious! [Random scenes from Fatal Frame with added comedy. Language and suggestive themes abound!][Complete.]
1. ch 1 : in which Miku hangs out in a bar

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fatal Frame… if I did, this would what the game would be like. What? The implications are there, y'know!**  
Title:** _The True Fatal Frame: What the Game Originally Intended_, or _The True Fatal Frame_  
**Type:** Parody  
**Warning:** The rating is PG-13 to R for language and implied content.  
**Summary: **Hilarious Fatal Frame Parody. Himuro Mansion, a whorehouse? Okay… wait, what? And Miku, insane? Well, as if that wasn't obvious!

* * *

_The True Fatal Frame  
_

**.:in which Miku hangs out in a bar:.**  
chapter one

* * *

Hinasaki Miku popped her chewing gum loudly as she leaned back in the small, leather-seated barstool, her spine placed, rather uncomfortably, against the wooden bar. Loud, very Mexican music was playing in the run-down, shady bar where she always spent her evenings; it was her favourite hangout. Snapping at the barkeep to bring her another sherry, she murmured to the strangers sitting nearby, "I wonder how long it's been… since my brother and I… began to see things… other people can't see…?" 

The people sitting next to her weren't paying attention. They were watching the game of poker happening a few feet away, but Miku went on anyway, drowning in memories as she pictured her brother Mafuyu walking slowly up a woodland path. The moon was out, crickets were chirping.

"My big brother," she went on in that breathy voice of hers, "he was so sweet… and kind."

At this, the strangers sitting next to her turned and gave her a strange look. She smiled back at them vaguely. Miku had always had a very "intimate" relationship with Mafuyu. She cleared her throat and went on, regardless of the glances, pleased now that she had an audience.

"He was the only one I could open up to about these urges…" Miku colored. "I mean, _visions_. He was the only one I could open up to about these _visions_."

She could see Hinasaki Mafuyu clearly in her mind's eye. He was walking in the moonlight, his white jacket illuminated by an otherworldly light. Or maybe it was just the moonlight, like she had said. It was possible, Miku decided. Yeah.

"After our mother died," Miku went on, her face still flushed about the 'urges' thing, "he was my only family." Miku sighed dreamily. She could picture him now, his heart-shaped face creased in worry; his large, ochre eyes wide as he surveyed the mansion beyond the wide, rickety bridge he stood before. The people nearby leaned forward, intrigued, whispering to their companions as they tried to listen to her story.

It had been September 24th, 1986 when her brother had arrived at Himuro Mansion. The wooden bridge was old, warped from rust and rain. He placed his hand on the railing and—Miku could hear his oh-so-sexy voice as if he was there in the bar with her—said, "So _this _is Himuro Mansion."

Her cute little button nose wrinkled. He had always spoken awfully slowly. It was less like 'So this is Himuro Mansion' and more like 'Sooo thiiis issss Hiiiimurooo Maaaansionnn.' But anyway.

She could see him, standing on the bridge, looking up at the foreboding place, surrounded by… palm trees? Miku hadn't known palm trees were common in Japan, but… she shrugged. Whatever. And so, he took his first step across the bridge. The wood creaked loudly under his feet.

"My brother was in search of someone," Miku went on. But the people who had been listening had long since turned back to the game of poker. It was getting exciting now, and she had spent too long staring into space, thinking about her handsome brother, so they had lost all interest. But now the audience turned back, eyes wide with surprise as she said, " Takamine Junsei, a famous novelist—"

An older man standing near Miku, watching the game unfold before him turned to her, bushy eyebrows raised. "Is that what your brother told you?" he asked her curiously, and laughed. "There's no way in hell Takamine was a novelist. Try—"

"Shut up," Miku said absentmindedly, waving him away as she continued softly, "—and a man my brother was very indebted to"—here, she coughed pointedly and the people around her chuckled, exchanging knowing glances (they didn't know the half of it)—"disappeared, while researching a… 'book'."

She could see Mafuyu now, walking up the steps to Himuro Mansion with that oh-so-cute pout on his pretty face. Too pretty, Miku decided. She had always wondered if he was gay. But it wasn't possible… no! Mafuyu couldn't be gay… not when he understood her urges (uh… 'visions') so well!

"When he told me," Miku continued, "that he got a lead on Takamine-san's whereabouts, I felt… horny—uh, uneasy, that is. Yeah, uneasy."

In her mind's eye, there he was, opening up the door to Himuro Mansion. His face broke into a grin when he saw that the whole mansion was lit up with Vegas-style lights. Blue, green, red… and that other primary color. Oh yeah, yellow. And you know, a Playboy Bunny there, an electric sign with an interesting choice of topic here. He didn't waste any time in stepping in. He had a "novelist" to find.

Miku cleared her throat. "Anyways, I ffffffffelt 'uneasy' "—oh no, soon she was going to be talking like Mafuyu—"like he was going far away."

* * *

**A/N: **Yeah, yeah, short chapter, I know. But admit it, it was dead funny… what? It's what I thought when I first saw the intro… seriously. My friend Faith and I came up with the original ideas, and I wrote it out like this. 

Eep, I wonder how many people are gonna be like 'OMG!1eleven! That's sick!'? Haha.

REVIEW, kind peoples! I shall update soon with the next chapter... and once I'm done with Fatal Frame, I'll do another parody with FF2 and 3! Heehee... that is, if you liked this one and want me to...!


	2. ch 2 : in which Kirie feels Mafuyu up

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fatal Frame… if I did, this would what the game would be like. What? The implications are there, y'know!**  
Title:** _The True Fatal Frame: What the Game Originally Intended_, or _The True Fatal Frame_  
**Type:** Parody  
**Warning:** The rating is PG-13 to R for language and implied content.  
**Summary: **Hilarious Fatal Frame Parody. Himuro Mansion, a whorehouse? Okay… wait, what? And Miku, insane? Well, as if that wasn't obvious!

* * *

_The True Fatal Frame_

**.:in which Kirie feels Mafuyu up:.**  
chapter two

* * *

"I'll take you to the candy shop," Miku sang loudly, off-key as she sauntered down the fluorescent halls of Himuro Mansion. "I'll let you lick the lollypop…" 

The bright lights were going to her brain.

"Kirie," Mafuyu whined from the next corridor over. He was bound against the wall. Who knew Kirie was into bondage? "Miku wants to find me, and all the fluorescent lights are going to her head…"

(It was more like 'Kiiiiiriiiiie, Miiiiiiiiiiku waaaaantsss tooo fiiiinddd meeee…' you get the point.)

Kirie poked her head around the corner. She pointed at Miku, and then at the people sauntering up and down the halls. "Why's she so obsessed with you?" the young woman asked accusingly. When Mafuyu replied, " 'Cause I'm her brother, duh. We've always been _close_," Kirie just shrugged and pointed at a couple of the specimens strolling along the hallway besides the singing Miku.

"Hey, Broken Neck is pretty sexy when she wants to be," supplied Kirie, pointing at the woman in the revealing kimono, her head twisted all the way around. "And that twisted neck is pretty convenient at times." She turned back to Mafuyu. "Hmm?"

Mafuyu shook his head. "Nah. Not my sister's type."

Kirie shrugged, and turned back to the hallway, jabbing her finger at three people walking calmly down the hall. "What about Junsei, Koji and Tomoe? They're the masters, obviously."

Mafuyu drooled. "Nope."

Kirie took a deep breath to steady herself before going on. "Okay then, what about Long Arms? God knows what those long arms could do in certain situations…" She turned back to Mafuyu and winked suggestively. "How about him, huh? I could fix your bitchy sister up with him."

"Why'd you hate my sis so much?"

"She's a f-ugly bitch," answered Kirie and then stifled a shriek as Miku turned in their direction. "Oh shit! She's coming this way!" Kirie grinned evilly then, and threw Mafuyu's clothes at him. "Quick, hurry up and get dressed. You say she wants to find you, huh…?" She laughed. "Oh, she'll find you all right."

"I'll take you to the candy shop!" Miku bellowed at the top of her lungs, and all the people in the adjoining rooms winced. She turned the corner and gasped. There was Mafuyu, right in front of her! "Mafuyu!" she screamed happily, rushing forward. Miku stopped short when a huge multitude of hands suddenly wrapped around her brother, and a female figure in a kimono appeared behind him.

Slowly, her hands and the disembodied ones wrapped around Mafuyu, feeling him up. Miku's jaw fell slack. Sexy.

And then Mafuyu, Kirie and the hands were gone. "Damn it!" Miku yelled, stamping her foot on the ground. It was all too distracting! "That bitch better stay away from my brother," Miku decided, unaware that at that very moment, Kirie and Mafuyu were in quite a compromising situation and that she would learn to like Kirie eventually. They just had to get to know each other better.

* * *

**A/N:** This is more like a collection of comedic drabbles than a proper story. I think I'll do the ending next… that's bound to be funny. But for now, did you like this chapter? I'm wondering if I should up the rating…  
Review. 


	3. ch 3 : in which I warp the ending

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fatal Frame… if I did, this would what the game would be like. What? The implications are there, y'know!  
**Title:**_The True Fatal Frame_**  
Type:** Parody**  
Rating:** PG-13 to R for language and implied content.**  
Summary:** My really funny Fatal Frame Parody. Himuro Mansion, a whorehouse? Okay… wait, what? And Miku, insane? Well, as if that wasn't obvious!

* * *

**.:in which I warp the ending of Fatal Frame:.  
**chapter three

* * *

What was that thing shining on the ground? 

She had been wandering innocently around Himuro Mansion, looking for the Blinding Mask (that looks hella fun!) when she wound up in the Hell Gate. It was really dark, and Miku squinted.

"Damn!" she swore. It was too dark to see. Looking around, she clenched her hands into fists. Her right hand tightened around something cool, cold, round. Oh yeah. The flashlight. Shining it in the direction of the glinting thing, her eyes widened. "Oh shit!" Miku groaned. It was a part of her camera. It must have broken when she tripped on the way in. She needed that fucking camera! As she rushed to get it, so she could take sexy pictures again, she stopped on the way when she passed a circular mirror embedded in a column of wood.

She didn't even notice Kirie (and Mafuyu, hidden behind her) appear. She was too obsessed with checking her hair. Her mouth dropped open in horror. God _damn_, why the hell had those Americans dyed it _auburn_? It had been such a nice dusty shit-brown color before!

Just then, she got the feeling something was behind her. Oh, that's right. Kirie. She probably wants to check herself out in the mirror, Miku reasoned, and stepped aside. Kirie and her mass of hands walked in front of the mirror, purposefully bumping Miku into the dark.

"Bitch," Miku muttered under her breath, but cried out in surprise when the dark, sexy aura around Kirie lessened, and the hands vanished, leaving behind a beautiful (if a little less sexy) Kirie. Her hair, instead of flowing over her face, was parted neatly to the side. "Mafuyu!" Miku screamed suddenly, her voice cracking as she finally caught sight of her brother.

She raced over nonetheless. "Mafuyu!" she said, pronouncing it incorrectly as usual. "Thank goodness!" Miku wrapped her arms around her brother, glaring at Kirie, who was kneeling at the ground, staring at her hands, and then at Mafuyu, and back to her hands.

"Augh!" the young woman cried, wiping her palms furiously on what remained of her kimono.

Mafuyu looked hurt. "What's that supposed to mean?" ("Whaaaaaaat's thaaaat suuuppoooseddd toooo meeeeeannn?")

Kirie flushed, but didn't have time to answer as the figure of a child appeared before her. Miku dragged herself away from where she had been about to force herself on her unfortunate brother. The little girl, whose name was Little Kirie (really original, huh?) pointed at the Hell Gate and murmured hollowly, "Don't forget your duty."

Across the room, Miku sniggered. Duty. Doody. Shit.

Kirie hung her head. She didn't want Mafuyu to see this! Or… did she? It didn't matter, she didn't have a choice. It was her job to keep the prostitutes from pouring out of the aptly named Hell Gate.

With a sigh, Kirie walked over to the gate, pushing it closed from where it had opened a crack. Closing her eyes, she grumbled about the horrible English dub that the people at Tecmo had given her, and barely remembered her line. "Uh… oh yeah. 'My job is to keep this gate closed,' " she recited obediently, rolling her eyes. And then her eyes narrowed, and she hummed the Mission Impossible theme as she whipped her arm out and, with her SPESHUL POWAZ!!11one, made ropes fly out and wrap around her wrists. She didn't even wince (the brave soul!) when the ropes suspended her in the air in… um… a quite suggestive position. You figure it out.

Miku gasped. She considered becoming a lesbian.

Mafuyu took a step toward Kirie, much to Miku's disbelief and fury. She latched onto his arms. "Nooo, Mafuyu!" she insisted. "Come back with meee! I need you more than this lonely bitch, hanging helplessly off a doorway to keep the whole existence of the world at bay ALL ALONE FOREVER, does!" The Hell Gate threatened to burst, shaking the whole cavern and possibly dislocating some of Kirie's limbs. "I mean, come on!" Miku pleaded, pointing at Kirie. "She OBVIOUSLY doesn't need your help!"

"Leave dis gate to me," Kirie said grudgingly, sounding oddly Rastafarian for no apparent reason. Those damn dubs! "The rest of you, hurry and escape!" Miku and Mafuyu decided she must have been seeing double. The rest of you? The hell? There were only two.

But still, Mafuyu stepped toward her. "But what about you?" he said, achingly slowly.

"I must stop the Calamity!" Kirie said, losing her Rastafarian accent. "Or else it will happen again… we have more than enough prostitutes at Himuro Mansion, thank you very much!" She paused, allowing this to sink in. "Don't worry about me. Just go."

Miku squeaked as the Vegas-style room began to fall apart. The strings of broken, formerly brightly colored Christmas lights fell from the ceiling, along with fluorescent signs. "Mafuyu!" she said, once again saying his name wrong. "Come on!"

"Miku," Mafuyu said gravely, turning back to her. "I must stay."

"What are you saying?" Miku asked shrilly, her nasal voice cracking. Behind, Kirie stuck her tongue out and hollered pointedly, "I love you, Mafuyu!" Miku's face got really red and she screamed, "Fuck you, bitch!"

Mafuyu told his sister not to insult Kirie and to shut up, and went on, "I think I can help her." More busted lights fell from the ceiling. Kirie averted her gaze, flushed, and Miku flipped her off, and started moving toward her brother.

"Miku," Mafuyu said, ignoring his little sister and turning back to Kirie. "You go on without me." Miku wasn't about to let this happen, but before she could get to Mafuyu, the ceiling fell in on him and Kirie.

Miku's mouth fell open. "OH SHIT!" she screamed, and jabbed her finger at the place where her brother had been standing a minute before. "How're you going to help her now, Mafuyu?!" She began to cry. Now she had no one to talk to about her 'urges'! She was an orphan, a lonely, miserable orphan! "I'm all alone," she sang loudly, tears streaming down her face as she backed out of the Hell Gate. "There's no one here beside meeeeee!"

_"Miku."_

It was her brother's voice, in her head. Any other person would have decided that they were going crazy, but not Miku. Miku spun around in circles, searching for her brother. "Mafuyu!" she cried, her voice cracking. "You escaped after all!" She began to sing, to the tune of the Spider-man song. "Mafuyu-man, Mafuyu-man, does whatever a Mafuyu can…!"

This confirmed it. Miku was crazy.

_"The whole time Kirie," _Mafuyu continued, pronouncing Kirie wrong, _"was guiding me—"_

"What the hell?" Miku shouted. "_Guiding _you? You sick, twisted bastard! You cheated on me!"

Mafuyu ignored this. _"—I could hear her screaming… screaming for help. As the Rope Shrine Prostitute, she was destined to seal the gate. Yet she also wanted to be with the one she loved (me! …Right?). But she couldn't have both, and was being torn apart by those two feelings, which resulted in the Calamity. Prostitutes poured out and covered the world. Not that I'm complaining. Uh, anyway… her spirit was uh… touched by the Sexiness, and she became a creature that wanted to make others feel pleasure like she had. Again, I'm not complaining. Now, free of the Sexiness (aww, man!), she has to fulfill her duty as the Rope Shrine Prostitute. Her soul must remain here, keeping this gate sealed off for all eternity."_

_"All alone," _he continued. Miku had long ago zoned out. _"Endless pain. But is long as she is free of pain—"_

Miku didn't get it. "I thought you just said she would be in endless pain?"

There was silence, and then a cough. _"Anyway… as long as she is not left hopeless, I wish… to be by her side."_

Miku sniffled. "Bastard," she choked out.

_"You're a bitch."_

"You're the bitch!" she shouted, and stormed out. She stepped past all the prostitutes and out of Himuro Mansion. Blue orbs filled the air. "Oh, look," she grumbled, "all the prostitutes' souls are going back to where they belong… IN HELL!"

_"Miku," _came Mafuyu's voice sharply, and then he went off in a tangent: _"I now realize why I was brought here… it wasn't just for the sex… I will accept this destiny of mine. And Miku? Thank you… for everything… you bitch."_

When Miku finally finished her story, it was four in the morning and everyone had left. She was all alone, except for the unfortunate barkeep, who was asleep at his post, having long ago given up begging her to leave.

"Ever since that day," Miku said, regardless, "I stopped seeing things… other people don't see."

The bartender awoke suddenly as she finished, and picked up a broom. "That's great!" he shouted, booting her off the chair and sweeping her out of his bar. "Now get back to the insane asylum, you crazy bitch!" And with that, he shut the door in her face.

* * *

**A/N:** Several things in this parody are based on my experience, such as Kirie's Rasta accent and Miku's slurring in the first chap. When I first heard the intro, Miku did go, "I fffffelt uneasy..." and when I heard the ending, Kirie did sound like she was putting on a Rastafari accent.  
I might do the Xbox ending to finish this parody off... 

**P.S.** You may have noticed that at the beginning of the chapter, instead of finding the last Holy Mirror shard, Miku finds a part for the camera. Well, that was on purpose, not me just being dumb. It's there to provide a hint towards what the camera's use is in this story...


	4. ch 4 : a tragic alternate ending

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fatal Frame… if I did, this would what the game would be like. What? The implications are there, y'know!  
**Title: **_The True Fatal Frame_**  
Type:** Parody**  
Rating:** PG-13 to R for language and implied content.**  
Summary:** My really funny Fatal Frame Parody. Himuro Mansion, a whorehouse? Okay… wait, what? And Miku, insane? Well, as if that wasn't obvious!

* * *

**.:in which I fun-ify the Xbox ending:.**  
alternate ending

* * *

With a sigh, Kirie walked over to the gate, pushing it closed from where it had opened a crack. Closing her eyes, she grumbled about the horrible English dub that the people at Tecmo had given her, and barely remembered her line. "Uh… oh yeah. 'My job is to keep this gate closed,' " she recited obediently, rolling her eyes and shooing Mafuyu and Miku away. 

Miku latched onto Mafuyu. "Come on!" she said, and pulled her brother out of the Hell Gate. Kirie watched them leave, all alone, and the room began to shake, the broken, Vegas-style Christmas lights falling from the ceiling.

A hand tapped Kirie's shoulder. She screamed and whirled around, socking the newcomer hard on the nose. He toppled back into the dust, and she leaned over him, triumphant—only to come face to face with her on again, off again boyfriend, who had been killed long ago by the priests, was nameless save for 'Kirie's Lover', and was Mafuyu's carbon copy. "OMG!!!1eleven," she cried, hugging him fiercely. "Kirie's Lover, you're back! I'm so happy!"

Just before they rounded the corner, Miku turned back and saw Kirie hugging someone who looked exactly like her brother. "Oh… shit…" Her mouth dropped open, and she turned to Mafuyu. "Imposter!" she screeched at him, and whirled around to fetch the nameless man she thought was her brother. "Kirie, you bitch!"

As Mafuyu tried to tell Miku that he was real, and that was Kirie's old boyfriend, the ceiling fell in, crushing his little sister. After a long pause, Hinasaki Mafuyu shrugged, decided he didn't really care, and left Himuro Mansion without a look back.

* * *

**fin.**

* * *

**A/N:** It's over, folks! Yes, I know it's short, uh-huh, uh-huh, so on and so forth… but still, it's over. Hope you enjoyed these four short chapters. 


End file.
